The modern concept of "dating," frankly, bothers me. Currently, we have teens (and more juvenile pre-teen versions) running around creating bylaws and policies trying to govern exactly what it means to date, how it should be done, and what is going too far or what is socially acceptable. (This phrase in and of itself reminds me of a song released under the same title by DCTalk some years ago.) What does Jon have to offer to the mix? I could go on telling you about what I think is "going too far" or what might be alright in certain contexts, but the more I ever think about that, the more I have to come to the same conclusion: it's too much work for something that shouldn't be too hard, right?

My thesis? Dating is irrational. It may sound a bit harsh at first, but I have many carefully selected reasons for making such a statement. I by no means will condemn anyone who is involved in such a relationship – I am well aware of many cases where such people have been quite happy, ad nauseam.

Why the harsh opinion? Well, let's start from the beginning. What does dating mean? Some will tell you it's when a guy really likes a girl and the feeling is reciprocated, so they want to spend time together. Others will tell you the more literal definition from which the concept was derived and hint that it is only the act of repeatedly making an appointment to see someone, etc. Still others list condition after condition for what makes a relationship "dating" versus another concept like "seeing each other" or "friends with benefits" (Which makes me want to puke with its obvious overtones of frivolity and total disregard for morals or etiquette).

I hate racking my brain when I don't have to. Regardless of what some of pop-culture would like to believe, dating is spending time with someone. The context is what drives the distinction between serious and frivolous. HOWEVER, society rather pushes the concept of "dating" to mean a mutually exclusive relationship whereby two people aim to spend time together for the chief purpose of discovering more about one another.

With that said, what does dating entail, by definition? Well, if you intend to date someone, you want to spend more time with that person than others. You are not "attached" to that person by any serious means, but you make a point to be with them more than other people who you suddenly consider to be a little less important. Eventually, this builds into a mutual dependency or falls apart, creating the concept most younger middle-schoolers cry or gossip over called a "breakup."

I'll note that not all situations pan out like this, which is one of the reasons I don't condemn people in dating relationships. It's their choice, not mine. This is simply the logic behind a decision I've made in my life. What I note below is not every contingency as it could be played out, but the common fallacies and pitfalls I see in dating relationships today.

What's wrong with this picture? Well, two things. First, those in such "dating" relationships tend to consider spending time with each other more important than spending time (or resources, etc.) with their other friends. I have a problem with this when it means that they really don't consider the friends as important in their lives. That, to me, is the epitome of inconsideration for a friend. Being ditched for the girl/boyfriend at the latter's wit and whim is no way to live as a friend. Relationships of this kind are grossly disturbing to me because they indicate where a person's priorities lie – not in those that they have known and called friends for longer than the dating relationship has lasted, but in that new special someone they have to work at to avoid letting go.

The second problem I see is actually rather well linked with the first. It is simply focus. When a person falls into this kind of relationship, his or her focus becomes dependent on circumstance. Most of the time, this waivers from what should be the chief object of focus for everyone: God. I see far too many people with dating relationships that become idols in their lives. One minute they appear to have the correct focus in mind, the next that person's counterpart has become the ever-consummating essence of the Neanderthal head attached. Does this have to be a problem? No. Is it more often than not? I would say so, yes.

Alright I'm with you so far, Jon, but I still don't see why you have such a bad opinion of the dating concept ... What gives? Let's go back to the way I defined dating in the modern context: "A mutually exclusive relationship whereby two people aim to spend time together for the chief purpose of discovering more about one another." Here's where ration and irration creep in. I see this sentence and take out the "mutually exclusive" part (because no one likes a person who keeps secrets, right?), and I see a pretty good cursory definition of friendship. What society adds to make it "dating" is simply the exclusion of other people. "Intimacy." Woo hoo! I can't tell you the bliss and sheer joy ...

Don't get me wrong – I find nothing unusual about two people wanting to be "mutually exclusive," but I do not think "dating" is the appropriate context. I think frankly that the modern concept of "boyfriend/girlfriend" is severely misleading. It extends a boundary that was much more reserved in generations past, which I rather appreciate. That boundary stems from the now belittled concept of "holy matrimony" – a Godly marriage. I think that most of all the reason society has been seduced into such a lackadaisical attitude towards dating relationships is largely to spite this single holy ideal.

Most people nowadays want to be "together with someone special" regardless of how healthy that relationship is for them. The large majority of relationships are rushed into and were decided on without any thought above the waist – it is no wonder to me that our nation is in its highest rate of divorce now than it has ever been. While I do think people should work out their differences without having to resort to divorce much more than they do, thus is apathy and an entirely different topic of conversation that will only serve to blur the opinion offered here. Back to dating.

Dating is like a "little engagement" to some people. This is the basis for the "dating levels" system that is still being debated semantically today. Essentially, any seriously considered relationship should be thought of from the context of marriage. First and foremost, God; but when one considers having a serious relationship, he or she should think of it in terms of a future marriage. This is where I think society has lost focus, mainly.

Presently, it is socially acceptable to enter into a meaningless relationship for no other reason but to have one. As the relationship candidates become more and more serious, society deems that relationships can have different levels of intimacy depending on the "needs of the couple or individuals." At the very least, our society has not sunk below the level of declaring relationships to be singularly driven in nature, and still adheres to a strict guideline of mutuality as the basis of all relationship decisions. That is, one may not gain a "higher level of intimacy" without the other's full consent; one of our only saving graces.

The problems I have with these levels are that they paint a blurry picture of what the true goal should be. From a Christian perspective, relationships should be focused on God, and only through Him shall they be truly blessed. With present dating tactics, people enter into relationships focused on the other person or even the relationship itself – as some ominous object larger than themselves. It creates the illusion that the relationship is the most important thing in either of their lives, when in reality, even a married couple answers primarily to God, then to the other. Levels make this goal so obfuscated that people simply ignore it and allow themselves to enter into unhealthy (and dare I say unholy) relationships for the sake of having one, or simply self-indulgence.

As for myself, I have decided that friendships are a very healthy aspect of life – God has said many times that fellowship helps us all to grow in His Spirit and to cope with the perceived troubles in our present state of existence. This is why I have no qualms with friendships whatsoever, and rather have and enjoy many myself. As for "serious relationships," I rarely see one produced secularly or in the Christian sector that doesn't focus on the relationship in terms of an idol in at least one of two candidates. My resignation thus far has been that unless my Father calls me to marry a girl, I will remain friends with her just as I would be with any other person. This is to say that I do consider my friends very highly and of a certain degree of importance, not simply as acquaintances – the word exists for that distinction. If marriage becomes a question, an engagement is, of course, a rational and sound buffer in order to "make sure," but I believe this is the only necessary "level," as it is entered into with the pretense of an end in marriage, rather than an insignificant dawdle through a blind endeavor. Until that time (or while I do not realize the time at hand), I feel it is both in my best interest and under the direction of my Holy Father that I pursue and focus on Him that I may be pleasing in His sight before my own.