A Drawn Out Setup - First Act
Your first act appears to be the first 44 pages - at least to me it was because that's when you concretely define Alec's personal agenda, i.e. to find his father. Try and get here sooner if you can. And not because long setups are bad either, but because it's not until page 44 that I really start to be "with" Alec as a character - I start to identify with him on a personal level, as a son. Once Alec discovers his father is alive, (the photo on page 31) it would help to define right away his agenda to find him. As opposed to finding the photo and then 14 pages later defining Alec's agenda - which is how it reads now. (You may not have intended the "photo" to equal "without a shadow of a doubt the father being alive" but that's how it read. Also, I never felt during those 14 pages that the finding the father goal was being pursued on a conscious level.) I guess what's really missing for me in this 1st act is getting to the personal (or even a superficial) motivation much sooner. Otherwise it's just a guy doing his job. When Alec goes to Miami the first time, I don't know why he is continuing to pursue the Glendon/mole issue when it's clear the CIA doesn't want him to. He's a loose cannon? Sense of duty? Fear for the President? These aren't really exploited as motivations, and I'm worried if they were, they may not in themselves be enough to sustain the drama. I guess what I'm saying here is, if you define the stakes better, it will make Alec's mulish pursuing just compelling enough for us to emotionally go with him.
First Act Motivation
Again, by the time I get to around page 25, I'm not really clear on why Alec is so doggedly determined in his pursuit of the Glendon/mole issue. What's missing are the personal stakes, which you eventually get to with the finding the father issue, but you don't get to that until page 44 and then don't really exploit fully. Ask yourself this - why after the bar scene does Alec continue to pursue the Glendon/mole issue? In other words, what is that which motivates him? Once you answer that, it will define the key element that will draw the reader in. Right now it's not really defined and as a result it takes too long to be with Alec.
The Glendon/Mole and Finding Father Throughlines
These two through-lines felt more separate than related for a better part of the script. It may be worth trying to connect them in a more concrete way earlier on. EX: the Glendon/mole pursuit could become a means through which Alec can achieve his personal goal of finding his father. Meaning, his personal drive manifests itself in the Glendon/mole external agenda. The only way Alec can achieve his finding-father-goal is to pursue the Glendon/mole agenda - one serves and drives the other. If you bound the two together better, the whole journey that Alec takes might become more personal and thus more involving to the reader.
Alec And The Glendon/Mole Pursuit
I liked this as a progression, it's all quite fascinating. But yet I think what's making it not all that compelling right now is this lack of exploitable stakes I mentioned earlier. I strongly feel that if you flesh out this one area, I will go anywhere with Alec. I will know why he is doing what he is doing and will sincerely want him to his succeed because if he doesn't (here's where those darn stakes come in) something bad will happen to him on a personal level that I can relate to.
Alec And The Father Throughline
I felt this was underdeveloped and thin. In the first 50 or 60 pages we hardly see Alec really thinking about this all that much. You seem to want it to be important to the story yet don't ever give it the necessary consideration. It almost felt like you were purposely having Alec avoid it at times - perhaps you didn't want it to turn into saccharine melodrama? Whatever the case may be, it's way too thin and unexploited. It's a good story that can connect on a universal level to people, so don't be afraid go with it.
Writing Style
It's obvious you are a skilled writer. I don't know how many scripts you've written, but you've obviously reached a level of craft that is as good as anything I've read. A lot of the action sequences are wonderfully written, visual, concise - I can really see it in my head. At times though you tended to slip into a prose-like style. That, coupled with the massive amount of plot information, made it feel like a novel packed into a script. There were times I almost needed a flowchart to follow along. There is a good story here, it just needs to be simplified.
Knowing Your Subject Matter
One of the things I really liked about this script was the fact that the people, the places, the topic all felt very authentic. It read like the writer knew what he was talking about and had done his research. The handling of the CIA world was great, I totally bought into it. It all felt reality based and not what a lot of other writers do - which is to write a preconceived notion of what they think it should be based on a lot of movies they've seen. However...
The Drawback of Knowing Your Subject Matter
As I stated, you are very adept at the CIA technical stuff. However, at times I almost felt you were subconsciously favoring it over storyline. I got the feeling you really dig writing about this stuff, which is great and is what makes the script honest and interesting, but at the same time you have to give equal consideration to the storyline. When I step back and look at the script as a whole - the detailed, descriptive time spent on the CIA stuff tends to overwhelm Alec's story (as opposed to serving it.) It's kind of how like "theme" in literature is God and the storyline has to take a backseat to it. And how in scripts, it's opposite - story is God and theme should serve it. Let the CIA world serve the Alec story and not vice-versa.
First Act Information
You like very intricate, intelligent plots. A caveat here though. There is a great danger for these type of labyrinthine plots to become easily convoluted in the 1st act if you're not careful. A way I've found in my own scripts in which to avoid this is to dole out 1st act narrative information in small morsels. In other words don't give the reader a huge smorgasbord of info from which they will more than likely pick and choose incorrectly from. You have to give them an appetizer first, then an entree, and so on. Then once they are hooked, you can get very intricate in the 2nd act. I'm not saying dumb down either, just lay it out in a way that the reader can sink his/her teeth into and not be overwhelmed. Case in point: the scene on page 28 where you are giving the reader far too many choices/scenarios in a single scene that they may find difficult to digest.
Character Reversals
I really liked the idea of no one is who they seem - no one can be trusted. Are they the good guys or are they bad guys? This is a great device and compliments the "spooks" world of the CIA wonderfully. The only problem is, it's a very fine line between that and confusion. You may be doing just a bit too much of this and so there is a danger of it tilting toward the confusion side as opposed to walking that fine line.
The Very Patient CIA
When I got to page 56, I felt like the CIA was being way too tolerant of Alec's insubordination. I know he goes up the chain of command, from Spencer, to Carlton, to Poole, but it felt like they would have dismissed him by now. On page 38 he is told in no uncertain terms to stop. He doesn't, and yet there seems to be no repercussions. I know you define him as a loose cannon, but the CIA's bureaucratic inaction just didn't ring true for me.
Rhythm and Throughlines
You have quite a few through-lines/subplots/sequences (whatever term you're comfortable with) that comprise this story. Right now all those through-lines aren't quite working collectively as a whole as well as they could. I don't know if this makes any sense, but if you pulled all the through-lines out of the story and looked at them as individual entities, you might see that some are too subtle, some start too late, others don't have a beginning, middle and end, others aren't working in conjunction with one another, etc. Reworking them individually so they can stand on their own and then reinserting them back in the script and having them play off one another will create a certain rhythm that allows the story to unfold like an easy melody. I think right now the story comes off as convoluted because these through-lines aren't quite working rhythmically yet.
The Missing Feel
Another element that isn't quite there yet is this idea of the personal journey that the main character takes. I think of films like "ROMEO IS BLEEDING" and "ANGEL HEART" where the character goes on a journey into a world they are familiar with, but they end up going in deeper than they ever have before, and as a result experience things unknown to them. I know I'm being way too Joseph Campbell-ish here, but my point is, you actually have the material for this mythic journey - it's just a character POV issue. Alec always seems so in control and is the flawless hero. He is never the flawed hero who is in way in over his head.
Resolution
It seemed rather long. After the President was saved, the story lagged (mostly because all the conflict was gone). I think you just have too many loose ends to tie up - which goes back to the too many subplots issue. Once you reconcile the novel packed into a script issue, this problem will solve itself.
Scene-By-Scene Comments
Page 1:
Wonderful opening image. Very visual.
Page 1: "that's a Russian satellite for you"
Try to be careful of this type of editorializing in your writing style. Some people misinterpret it and take it the wrong way.
Page 3: Poole, large man/Wright, Sentry.
The first part of this scene was a tad confusing. I wasn't sure at first if there were three people in this scene, or if the Sentry was Poole. I gathered three, but I had to think about it and it took me out of the read for a moment.
Page 5: Alec and the waitress
I have a minor comment here, and since I always appreciate minor comments in my own scripts here goes. This is our first real introduction to Alec as a character, and the thing is, he comes off as slightly condescending and slightly pretentious. It's not the scene either, it's his POV that makes it seem this way. You could easily rectify this by giving the waitress the same POV as Alec - she is a coffee bean person just like Alec, and feels the same as him. EX: Giving the waitress the lines, "how about I give you what we start with before we ruin it in that." And then Alec saying, "you use grounds." And then the waitress saying, "what's this world coming to." And then Alec agreeing with her. My blathering point here is, if they had something in common that they both randomly agreed upon (coffee beans vs. coffee grounds) it would make Alec seem less condescending. I love the Muppet slippers, nice touch.
Page 5: Alec has no furniture.
Okay, I'm nitpicking now, but a male protagonist who lives in a big place without any furniture is as ubiquitous as a male antagonist who lives in a furnished warehouse. My sarcastic point here is, being original in the little details (and you are at many a time) can really take a good script to the next level.
Page 7: "thanks... for the ride..."
Try creating a bigger beat change between Alec's "thanks... for the ride..." and Harry's "Actually... we got us an S1." For a moment there I mistakenly thought ‘Harry talking about the guy being promoted' was in fact the Russian. The progression in the scene of... Spencer got the promotion, Alec is disappointed, Alec is about to leave the car, and Harry explains we have a job to do, was not as clear as it could be. The beat change of we have work to do now was not clear. Again, these little unclear moments really take a person out of the read because they cause the reader to mentally have to backtrack.
Page 11: Alec recognizes Greckov's scar
This has to be setup better. It doesn't feel truthful. It feels more like it has to happen because the writer is demanding it happen. You could for example, in the page 3-4 scene, create a POV shot from little Alec noticing the scarred man. Or another cheesy example would be for Alec to accidentally bump into Greckov or see him from afar after the waitress coffee bean scene. It just somehow has to be setup better.
Page 11-15 scene
I liked what's going on here, particularly the end of this scene. However, it's a bit hard to follow at times. Whenever I have scenes with this many characters, I always try to be overly explicit on describing who is who and what is what. Also, whenever I have 4 different things going on at the same time in a single sequence (in your case... the umbrella men in the van, Alec in lobby with Greckov, Spencer and his men, and Harry up in window) I try to anchor the scene by using POV of the main character. Write everything through Alec's eyes. You started out doing that but kind of dropped it when Spencer came in. Anyway, grounding the scene by putting us in Alec's shoes really helps with clarity. Even if you are cutting away, you can always come back to what Alec is seeing. By the by, there are certain times in this script (like this scene here) where you force me to think very hard as I am reading. Not that "thinking" is anathema to an interesting story, the opposite is true, it's just that you may be demanding a bit much from a reader. As I'm sure you know, orientation, getting your bearings as you read, is so very important to engaging the reader and allowing the narrative to unfold organically.
Page 15: Greckov dying
I loved this twist. For a second there I thought this was going to be the same old good guy has to protect the man that killed his father story. I'm glad it wasn't.
Page 15: Greckov dies
You may want to create a beat at the end of this scene where Alec deals with the fact that(Greckov) who was responsible for his fathers death has been killed. Not that it has to be melodramatic, but I would like to know how Alec feels about this. (You may not have been going for this, but even though Glendon actually caused Alec's father to be killed, Greckov in a sense pulled the trigger. And so the reader may feel he was as much to blame as Glendon. Yet Alec seems not to really care. His tongue and cheek response of, "brilliant" threw me a bit.)
Page 17: Charlie the almost ex-wife
I didn't know Charlie was a woman until the end of this scene. At first I mistakenly thought Charlie was a guy who had come up and interrupted Alec. I guess it was the non-androgynous name of Charlie that threw me, as well as the deductive and not inductive way the scene was laid out. Anyway, just thought you should know. It was the difference for me of being "in" the scene and not on the outside looking in and having to figure it out at the end.
Page 17: Charlie and Alec
I know how Alec feels in this scene but I don't really know how Charlie feels. Try ending the scene on her after Alec leaves. A moment that lets me in on her POV of their marital situation.
Page 18: Alec whips out a gun
I like the unpredictable nature of his action here. It might play better though if you had Harry nervous or Alec making sure no one was looking before he did this. I guess what I'm saying is, be true to the moment. It's the difference between it being a just movie moment and it being a real moment.
Page 18: "In case you hadn't worked that out yet"
There are two ways one might read this, and one isn't good. I know you didn't intend the latter, but be careful not to alienate your reader with writer's comment that could be misconstrued - as in, "Hey bonehead reader, please play attention." Anytime you editorialize, there is always a danger of misinterpretation. Although, at other times you managed to handle it in a way where it's used as levity and that worked fine.
Page 39:
Again, I don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but Alec's determination in pursuing is unsupported by tangible stakes and thus not as involving to us as it could be.
Page 51: The infra-red mic
Loved this scene. Laid out beautifully. Totally real.
Page 56: Poole, "it's been a long time..."
I was a little surprised by this. I guess because Poole, who is essentially Alec's boss, and who was there when Alec defected as a child, had never spoken or met him since that incident. It just seemed surprising that they would not have at least had a phone conversation since then. I know the CIA is a big place but there is a firsthand connection between these two characters.
Page 56: Alec, "I won't sir."
My first response to this as a reader was, "why won't you?" Again, it's that beat the dead horse issue of Alec's (not actually vague but unexploited) determination.
Page 57:
The pilot scene was nice. Simple scene handled just differently enough to be interesting.
Page 67/68:
Nicely written action scene.
Page 76: Tears well up in Alec's eyes.
Because the Alec/father through-line is so thin and underdeveloped, when I get to this moment, I don't buy into it.
Page 92/93:
I know Alec misses Charlie, but I don't have enough information on their relationship to make an emotional judgement as to how I should feel about it. Was it his fault the relationship collapsed? His jobs'? Hers? It's never quite fleshed out - particularly how she feels about him. I know this seems so inconsequential to the real story, but I liked this humanizing subplot and felt it was slightly underdeveloped and I guess I just wanted a bit more.
Page 98: Typo alert
You have "Wright" written instead of "Alec." Typo.
Page 92-114
The Baines subplot gets dropped for a very long stretch of time. I guess this late in the script I expected that you were going to create (metaphorically) a Baines train on one track and an Alec train on another track, and then start the two heading on a collision course that we the reader can see coming a mile away. It's kind of a devicey thing to do, but it is effective in raising the level of tension toward the end of a story.
Page 125: "Your daddy was the worst"
It seems to me that a person wouldn't poke an animal that he is trying to get to walk off a cliff. Meaning, at this crucial stage it would not be in Baines' best interest to taut Alec, whom he is blackmailing. The effect of this is, it is slightly giving away the fact that Alec may not go through with killing the President.